Saturday 13 March 2010

the politics of friendship

I don't want to buy into all that but I do, I have done, I didn't learn. What can I say? Well at least this time the network is so strong that I didn't fall through and land on something flat. But still.

I'm angry now, and probably I am getting angrier. It's funny how you become angry gradually and increasingly over a few days with things like this, but being hurt comes all at once. As soon as you realise what has happened, what the intent was, and how little you have been kept in mind...it is like a stab. And your heart numbs and you make a little gasp, as though you have been winded. Sometimes it actually hurts like that too.

After that hurt I probably overreacted? Maybe, but true enough I'm not going to force myself to have fun while at the same time masking the fact that I want to collapse and invoke pain in the tiniest way all at one time. I don't like to bottle stuff up it just comes back at the most irritating times. I guess I like to control my emotions in the same way I like to control everything else in life, but I felt as though as long as I could make the time, and I was ok with it, I could be down.

This was as the thought process had evolved enough. "I'm driving" said it all to me and I could see, I could just tell that this was no unfortunate occurrence, no "nothing-I-could-do-about-it" situation - this was a choice, in one direction. I can't beleive I let myself be a doormat for even a few sentances! It makes me feel sick.

So It's been run with and talked out and scored out over and over. And I felt a bit better, I do feel better, I don't feel like collapse.

Last night highlighted everything I need to know though. When I saw her standing there the general effort we all make stinking up the air and the perhaps over-played smiles I just felt like I had been punched in the face. Do you ever end up physically hurting yourself in a dumb way - say walking into a table or the like - and the red mist coming down, getting SO angry that you never saw it coming? That was like it. And of course you have to be civil. All I wanted to do was find the gaping bloody wound and rub her face right in it and tell her "now you see it! how could you have not? why do I deserve this!?". But then again, I'm now fairly sure she has been master of this knowledge of the social reality underpinning this whole spectacle since Wednesday afternoon.

At least now everything is crystal clear. It is so clear and such a piercing reality that it hurts, but not like before, not in the way you would cry, but in the way that you can turn that pain into a grimace and know that even if it is bad, at least you can really feel it. I'm not stupid, and neither is she. Now she knows what she has done, and she knows that I can't beleive how arrogant a move it was to go. I hope she is aware that I don't buy innocence and I can't tolerate the victim procedure that is gone through. Some people appear to be so light and sweet that you are like a bee to honey and you end up regretting it. I honestly would rather have the most harsh person by my side, with the knowledge that even if affection is hard to obtain, they will be there holding you up. And in this sense I am the luckiest person in the world as I have Stuart doing that and he is in no way harsh.

I thought I might have been too easily affected, that I was taking it personally when it was a routine thing. I don't feel I have been rash. I noted my two choices last night and the decision was made for me. I can't beleive you would lie like that! And what's more I can't beleive I bought into all the deep chats, being a shoulder to cry on, being singled out for time...

No matter how hard times for either party there has to be reciprocation and I have had nothing. Yes it may be the cold compared to cancer in some eyes but I guess I'm just a footnote? Either way this is it. I'm not going to compramise anything else I have and I am not putting people I care about in uncomfortable situations but I'm done with that. I don't give a shit what you think or how you feel - because you clearly didn't give a moment of your life to think about me, and for that you lose me.

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