Loss

This is going to sound so odd. I don't mean to offend any one who has had a lot of people-loss and I don't mean to make this in anyway parallel to it.

My sunglasses broke. It was my own fault. I killed my new headphones intended to be put in the ear pads of my pilot's hat. I did that too. I keep on destroying things that mean a lot to me.

I've always had a passion for things. When I was young I had a lot of toys, on my mum's side of the family Jamie and I were the only children, only grandchildren, only neices and nephews. I don't mean I had a lot of toys because I was a spoiled child, I mean I ended up having a lot of soft toys in particular. I liked dogs and subsequently horses as a girl and became obsessed in turn and as it goes all presents for birthdays and christmases revolve around this. My original favourite toy was Jerry Mouse (of tom and jerry) I had tom too but I liked Jerry best and I was too young and undemocratic to care for poor tom. After this I got Tracker, a soft toy dog. He was (and is) a golden labrador in sitting position. I remember picking him out for my birthday (I think) at Toys R Us when Mum allowed me to look at the vast racks of soft toys and choose one as a present. I picked Tracker and he was my best toy for a very long time. I remember the harrowing experience of taking him into a shoe shop and leaving him on the seats where you try them on (I must have been about 7 years old). When I realised I was only at the other end of the shop playing with Jamie but I ran back and he was gone. My Mum soon found him in the arms of another child who thought he was a toy provided by the shop.

As I grew up this became of objects not so much just toys. Of late Pingin has been key. Pingin is a bed warmer (with a pouch you heat in the microwave) penguin (Edward Monkton's penguin of death). Stuart bought him for me what will be three christmases ago come December (i think!). I didn't really like penguins particularly but for some reason (probably the fact pingin isn't based on a penguin but a crazy drawing of one) he was so endearing. He has become another entity and part of the house.

I think I have a problem. I can't stand it to lose things, especially favoured items but really anything I lose myself. Indeed I would be sad to have someone else damage or lose something I owned but I would accept it or replace it with no worries. If I lose it or damage it though, I can't forgive myself. I've been in an odd place for the last few days, stressed and run down, highly strung it seems. I bought the pilot hat online and I predict that it will be a new trend but for now it is my hat alone. A Biggles hat. It has these two round pads over the ears (see tumblr for a photo around this date) and a few people who have seen it commented on how great it would be to have headphones in these pads to listen to music through. In concurrence I bought a pair of fairly cheap head phones at Tesco and set to putting them in. I figured I would remove the band that goes over the head and then have two seperate ears to put in the hat with cables coming down. So I got the scissors and cut straight into the plastic of the head phones. It melted through and then snapped. Then I looked closer. The cable for the headphones went into one ear only, climbing under the head band to the other ear. I had ruined them. They were defunct. I killed them. It wasn't frustration at the waste of money, and it wasn't irritation at my lack of caution (though I should have been more careful) it was the fact that these were made as headphones. They were made by someone or something, packaged and sent. Travelled in a lorry, perhaps a ship or plane, to a storage facility then on to Tesco and in the stock room. The worker sees a gap in the stock and goes to fill up. Onto the stand go the headphones; ready to be bought and used. Then I ruin them. And that's the end. All over.

The sunglasses were even harder. I went ot B&Q with mum. we took a trolley and I clipped them onto the front of the trolley. They were from Topman and resembled Rayban Wayfarers. They had these wee ballbearings, two on either leg. As I walked later on with mum to costco i put my hand in my bag for them and it dawned on me sickeningly. We drove back. For sunglasses that only cost £12, and that i could replace easily. I found the trolley back inside and I saw them and my heart rose and I felt safe, they were ok, it wasn't the same as the head phones. I hugged them in close, going back to show mum when I felt it. one of the lenses was gone. glasses with one dark eye and one transparent. It was like holding a corpse. I checked the trolley, the floor, other trolleys. It was useless. What was worst was that someone was walking around B&Q with my poor lense in their trolley.

In the end I replaced the glasses. Still hurts though.