I was thinking about it recently and my blog seems to consist, in the main, of mostly me delving into the past and linking it to the present, or angry rants primarily aimed at the shape most resembling a bullseye in the logo of many popular retail outlets. I realise I don't seem to blog about my current affairs that much and if I do it becomes awfully poetic, involving some sort of philosophy on my life/life in general and thus my blog becomes a neurotic paradigm of my life. In order to remedy this I'm going to discuss what's going on just now. I am going to bypass the need to illuminate the reader as to the contents of my breakfast and who said what behind who's back &tc.
Currently I feel very frustrated in my ability to communicate what I'm really thinking. This isn't due to my not being vocal but is about the channels through which I am able to do so being blocked. I guess that people all have multiple interfaces in which to communicate - different people (work, family, friends, strangers even), face to face, phone, letter, email, social networks, blogs - and I am sure that people use each of these sources to converse in different ways about a multitude of varying issues. I mean, we all have friends or acquaintances who we are completley superficial with. Sometimes this is due to the depth of that person, be it in terms of the relationship or, sadly, brain power and sometimes it is due to the context. For example see my old blog about having silent companions at the gym or take Stuart who has a lovely woman at the canteen at work who enthusiastically asks about his life despite seeing him for at most 5 minutes a few times a week. And then at the other end of the spectrum we have those most intimate relationships, partners, family, close friends, and indeed even such as social networking where a lot of time and effort is exerted and the layers of interaction are dense and related.
For myself, recently I feel I have lost not only many superficial layers, but also some of those more impenetrable lines of communication, and I'm at a bit of a loss because of it.
This is going to sound so pathetic: I've lost facebook. Now I'm not an idiot, and I don't live my life through this website, but I do enjoy going onto facebook as part of my internet routine and seeing what's been happening. Ok I know facebook reminds most people of social butterflies with hundreds of friends arranging nights out and posting the drunken photographs resulting the next day, but there are a lot more subtle things I like. I like being able to send stupid jokey messages to stuart throughout the say (yes, even though i see him ALL THE TIME); I like getting absurd news stories linked on facebook and having little chats about the content within; I like to keep up with people who I hardly ever see but am able to feel like if I did meet them again tomorrow they wouldn't be a complete stranger; I like to be able to post up what is on my mind at any given point in the knowledge that those who care will see it and those who don't are at their own free will to ignore it, or remove me from their wall or even friends. Contrary to popular belief, removing a friend on facebook really isn't the stab in the back it is made out to be. The point is I like that I can be myself. 99% of the people on facebook for me are superficial acquaintances. The other 1% are (meant to be) the people who don't mind me being completley honest becuase they like me for who I am. Recently this has changed.
There have been additions to my facebook friends of people who normarily wouldn't use facebook. Friends of friends who you don't know but you know they know the original friend well. (new) Family. Remember that time when a member of your family was taught to use facebook and you thought "good for them, they will be able to KEEP IN CONTACT"? Well that's just it, now every status, every link, every remark is watched from the multiple cctv cameras of family with facebook. I know I am making my family sound like people who I can't be myself around and that's mostly untrue but online me is different to offline me. Offline me knows that integrity is important but that getting people's noses out of joint over stupid little arguments over it is not. Online me doesn't care about context and just really hates something and has to type it IN CAPITALS PROBABLY right now, sparing no detail or profanity, just to get it down and off my chest. Offline me knows that you acknowledging someone when something shit has happened is a caring person who is there for you without forcing herself all over the situation. Online me knows that no longer can she passivley "like" something for fear of it being interpreted that I actually LIKE the fact that something shit happened. Offline me is able to interpret people's tone of voice and body language when communicating and send the applicable signals back. Online me is able to do this with other people who were raised on the internet in a very subtle way, but some how always ends up failing to communicate the fact that I HATE WHAT YOU LIKE is a different sentiment online to offline. It's all oh so complex and I'm really feeling like I can't express myself via facebook now for fear of offence. I think the problem with facebook is that it tries to mesh the internet friend world with the real life people. The internet friends are friends quickly and the crap you post is a test to see if the friendship is worthwhile. When the real life friends join you some how stop seeming like a person with clear ideas of what they like/dislike and more of a self righteous dick who just can't let go. In fairness to myself though, sometimes things are utterly problematic. I do not like football. There are people I know who really do. In real life I would refrain from talking about it with them, avoiding strife. Online you are all just a bunch of facebookers and you know what I REALLY DON'T LIKE FOOTBALL and why can't you just let me say it and ignore me please. If you don't have anything nice to say and all...
Apart from this I've also felt like I have lost another two of these communication tubes, swimming pool flumes, if you will, in terms of people. I have two friends who recently have started to feel a little more like acquaintances. One friend was having a hard time and I felt so bad for her, like I had already been there somewhat and wanted to lend advice or at least non-judgemental support, so I did. And she replied, in a nutshell that she was busy and couldn't get back to me for a little while. A little while turned into a long while and during the long while I noticed that chatting to me was too much but being online in general was not. And that's ok, her choice not to talk to me, but I feel sidelined, like I wasn't good enough to help. She seems to still be in a bad place but I don't really want to help due to being fobbed off last time. I don't know, maybe I'm getting too prissy about it but I kind of expected that my help would be more worthwhile when time was lacking that image after image about tv shows and food. I guess that's the internet reality, a facade to be maintained. And I do feel bad for her, and I want to be there, but I've been the doormat in the past and I made a pact that if the only way I could be a friend to someone was to be the one always doing the running, then I wouldn't be the friend any more.
This pact leads to the other friend I am dissapointed in. A good friend has gotten a boyfriend and a part time job, and suddenly it's as if I'm invisible. I understand this of course I do I basically spend my life with my husband and even if you have the time when you are working you do just want some time to yourself. However it's the pretend friend dance that gets me. As if I am a child being told 5 more minutes over and over while hour after hour elapses. If I invite you to something and you don't feel like it, it's ok to say no. If I text you a time and a place, it's ok to say I can't rather than leave me hanging knowing that you never said no and I may still turn up. What's not ok is to not bother with my birthday. What's not ok is to say heyy we'll do something next week ok? and then just never get back. Just tell me you are too busy, just tell me you aren't feeling like it, just tell me you don't want to be my friend; it's fine. I just hate the dancing around the subject. I'm dissapointed again and I know if I really wanted I could press the issue and be more forthcoming in trying to arrange a time to meet up but alas my doormat pact is in place. I really like you and I understand your reasons for not seeing me, but I don't like to be deceived and I beleive that is what's going on. Honesty wins I swear.
So that's the reason I feel so frustrated and unable to express myself. True to this is the fact I've been searching for the phrase "express myself" the whole way through typing this and never quite being able to find it.
Do you ever feel as though the relationships you have made and the friends you know are slipping gradually like sand through your fingers? Right now, I'm just looking the other way.
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