Monday 18 April 2011

Treatise on Friendship

I probably bore in many ways and specifically in my constant writings of friends and friendships, and the trials and tribulations therein. However, it is one of those topics that I just can't get past. I like to think that unlike a lot of other people I spend inordinate amounts of time observing - and indeed criticising - human interaction; the forms it takes, where it manifests itself, and the end point of such endeavours. This is probably because I am not a particularly sociable creature. I've always been a loner rather than a team player. I don't mix well because I find it very trying to pretend to be someone I am not to make other people like and accept me. I'm not so arrogant to have never tried, in fact I tried all through my teenage years, being different versions of myself or different people altogether to try and have and keep friends. But in the end it all works out to being alone because even if others can live with your lie, you can't go each day pretending to be someone you are not. That skism that lies underneath the skin is too uncomfortable to wear day in day out. That is also the reason I find working in any form of customer service so appauling.

Anyway, I have gradually stopped all that nonsense and have just been myself and been honest. Perhaps I am not a nice person, perhaps I am impossible to get along with, and for a long time I thought this to be the case, maybe I still do. But I have been thinking of these issues and the idea of friends and friendship and why people interact with each other (outside of being family, which I seperate on the basis of its unconditionality) for a while now. A few things have emerged that I want to illustrate.

Firstly, I was engaging with the question 'why do people have friends?'. If you consider this I assume you will come up with similar though processes as follows. You have friends so that you have company in which to do the things you like. Friends are for sharing experiences, both good and bad. Friends are people you can talk to and people who can rely on each other. Friends will introduce you to new experiences and keep old experiences interesting. Friends are there so you do not feel lonely, and to keep yourself interacting with other humans. Friends are people you like and admire and therefore want to spend time with. I assume most people would agree with this as the basis of the reasoning behind people having friends. Indeed I have no doubts that for some people this is true. It was probably true a long time ago. But this is very much contrary to what I observe in everyday life.

Interest in human interaction today reveals an explanation for friends and friendships that is far less well intentioned, and be cause of this I believe friendship to be a false institution and utlimatley a lie. People have friends in order to validate their own views of the world. Is it a surprise that at school cliques are formed? People are friends with people who share their interests or images of themselves not because they want to engage in things together or talk of their joint interests, but because they want to paint themselves with their friends brush. They want to look like other people so that they can be in a group and have people think, yes they all are similar, therefore that consensus must be worthy. In a similar vein, have you ever known someone who befriends someone so they will look better? A thin person with a fat friend or a successful person with an unsuccessful friend? This is the reversal of the clique in that they look idealised by comparison. Two different manifestations of the same wish, to promote an image of themeselves that others - who will judge them - find admirable. People wish other people to think that they are great, and it really seems that friends are just the stepping stone on the road to popularity. Thus, friends are not only dispensable, but ultimalely breakable for other peoples purposes.

Secondly then, it is apparent that people who are friends with each other do not care about each other. This comes down to one of my favourite topics of discussion; loyalty and reliablilty. When watching television programmes you get the idea that friends are people who will be there for you no matter what. If you have problems they will support you, if you are sad they will console you and if you need them right away they will be there as fast as they can run. People are meant to make friends and invest in that friendship to build a connection between people that transcends all other factors. Ok yes, disputes will be had and people may change, but by virtue of the fact that you have known each other so long and care for each other's lives, you will be there for them, no matter what. This is a lie. A complete fallacy. It is something that is idealised. People are led into life now to be dissapointed. They are spoilt by the warmth and care of the family and led with false expecation of good and lasting friendships to follow. They are led though into a world where friendship is as consumable as food or fashion trends. If you protray the ideal image for a person now you will be a friend, likely a great one, but as that person's views alter and you remain you, you will be dumped at the side of the road like a puppy after christmas. People are not loyal. They do not like you for your personality, your character, your company or your own sense of loyalty. All they want you for is their own selfish ends. Hence this is why people who change with fashions and try to be cool and liked and aspire to such keep friends. But I am willing to bet that all these friends can't be relied on, and that these people probably have hundreds of friends, all of whom they know or care little for. Thus again friendship fails, when you have that crisis situation you will find that suddenly you are not the fun and cool person they knew when they met you but somoene with a problem, focussing on that rather than whats happening socially, and you will be shrugged off as fast as imaginable. Trust me.

Thirdly and finally, friendship is something that does not survive disruption. You always assume that friends will have fall outs. That's acceptable, and it's fine. You expect to be on the rocks for a little while, and then subsequently making up and friendship renewed. I must say that this never happens. It's different at school because there is a limited number of new people to be friends with. In school if there are others you may well be ditched upon disagreement, but more likely you will be viewed as better than the other people and then kept. In real life there are hundreds and thousands of other hopefuls, walking on the street, in the places you hang out and bumping into people left right and centre. In fact, they even make places themed in order that people with similar interests are housed in specific venues. Clubs, pubs, cafes, shops.. they all are associated with specific age groups, music choices, fashion trends so that there are an inordinate number of people you could indeed like. So when you and your friend have an argument it is far easier for your self-important friend to quickly latch to a new pal - as friendship is not hard in the making these days either - and build a swift relationship than swallow their pride and agree to disagree or even apologise.

This is the view of friendship I see as I observe people I know get let down by their so called friends. People pull out of plans at the last minute, people leave you for more desirable mates, people ditch you once the boyfriend arrives, people say oh yeah let's meet up but never call you, expecting you to once again do all the running, and for what? The grace of their ever so precious company? That startling hour where perhaps one day you will realise that you have very little of actual meaning to talk about? Maybe people should realise that friends are just a disposable substitute for family or sexual relationships. Once a person gets their boyfriend and grows wise enough to cherish their family for what they are, you will be forgotten. True friendship doesn't exist anymore. If you have friends I'm willing to bet you don't talk about what's important to you. I'm willing to bet that something very significant has happened and no-one even noticed or cared to ask. I'm willing to bet that they don't know the real you, your secrets, your fears, your aspirations. And I'm willing to bet that when it comes down to it and you are on the brink of something, that you know deep down that you couldn't rely on them, that you would call into the darkness and hear no reply. I just hope you wouldn't call back if the tables were turned.

1 comment:

  1. Intersting theories Dr Bobbenblog.

    One might draw comparison between friends and the dilution effect. The greater the number of friends, the lower the quality of friends. As one becomes more occupied with the assessment and monitoring of a large number of friends the criteria that you base your friendship judgements may become skewed and faultered. All we can hope for is a few good friends who can be trusted and do not fall into the catagories mentioned in your article. I shall follow your work with great anticipation.

    Yours faithfully,
    Dr Jam Maddock,
    Prof. University of the West of Dougal.

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