Thursday, 9 June 2011

taking back control/resolutions update

Hello. Have you noticed that I put entries to this blog in so many different ways that you can probably never tell which me I am being? I'm like Anna in The Golden Notebook sectioning my blog life into catagories. I imagine that black is for discussions of practicalities (like why I have no funding), red is for rants, blue is like this one (a conglomerate of thoughts because I have no cohesive idea for this entry only a mess of thoughts) and yellow for my literary emotional posts which I think are the only ones really worth their salt being the most honest.

Sometimes I think that I am Saul Green too, because I switch so readily from these stances. I sometimes think I am borderline bi-polar. The day effects me so much that I'll jump from confident and happy to insecure and skittishly anxious at the drop of a hat. It's the time I'm living in.

I just wanted to say that I have taken back control. I don't know if it is better or worse truthfully but it is there and that's all I can hope for right now. I went and booked a holiday to Tenerife for Stuart and I half way through August. Warm weather, swimming pools, beaches, the sea and water parks. Stuart needs a break; I'm worried that if he doesn't get one he will start to disintegrate. He said to me the other day "I never thought of myself as the sort of person who needs a holiday". His GP said he's on the way up. I'm on the way down. Taking back control also manifested itself in trying to find a job. I am currently rather bitter and I feel as though led on. It isn't fun to be told for a year that you are the best and everything you want will come to you, no questions asked, and then when that time comes it all seems to slip through the cracks. My career floating away by incompetence and nepotism and flimsy promises. I applied for a full time job and I'm sending CVs. A month ago it was "this is not the end of the road by any means". A week later "apply for everything, we have a good chance". Now it's "an outside chance" and "a good chance for St Andrews next year". What changed in this month? I certainly didn't. And if things that were certain can slide down such a scale now I doubt I want to hang around for next years lies. I'm going to get a job and leave such dreams behind. I've been living it too long and you they all had their chance to secure me. I know if I get a good job now I'll never look back.

The other matter of business I want to share is the half year update on my New year's resolutions. I said I would update more often but I never thought it interesting enough to do so. Anyway:

1. ride mary-anne more - mary-anne has been sold so now this doesn't apply.
2. save up for a deposit - this was going well. I had to save £5k total in the 4 years, I saved up £2k and then this wholw funding scenario happened and I decided to sort out the holiday. I still have savings, they just can't be applied in that manner at the moment. This is one to wait for December.
3.Save up cat 'instead of insurance' fund - £10 per month per cat being saved for them.
4. Keep running regularly - rodger wilco. done and done.
5. Don't Succumb to Politeness if Ever Faced with the Former Bridesmaid Again - No opportunity as of yet
6. Get a masters, get funding for 3 years and start my phd - hahahahaha, I'll manage the first part. I really shouldn't have made something I couldn't control a resolution. If this all fails, it wont be because of me.
7. Learn Something New: Latin - yea I have not done this. yet. But if I'm not doing the phd theres no way. Plus I learned leater Dutch would be more useful.
8. Don't Rely on the TV to Get to Sleep - this failed. may try again.
9. Bake Something, Once a Month, in the Shape of Gingerbread Men, and Share it with my Brother, Jamie - we did it a few times but Jamie's final year got in the way.
10. Never Buy Bread From a Shop - the one I am most proud to say I have thus far achieved, albiet we eat less bread than we did before.
11. Grow My Vegetables More Efficiently - mid way through this one
12. Once a Month, with Stuart, Cook a Home-Made, Joint Three-Course Meal - yes pretty much done, we decided to do it based on a place in the world by taking my hug a world toy/cushion, whirling it about and blindly pointing to a location.

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