Have you ever considered the extent to which you are based purely on the image you wish to protray? That you do things based on what you think other people will view you as? Do you do things because you want to - things that you like - or because these things will characterise you in a way which you want others to see you?
I've been thinking about this quite a lot lately. I've been trying very hard to be myself, the core essence of my personality as shaped by my physiological nature and the imprint life has made on me thus far. When I was younger I would make all decisions based upon how these things would make me seem to my counterparts and it pretty much made my life troublesome and myself a conflicted shell of who I should have been. I've been working towards dropping this continual need to be viewed well as I have continued my life and though I will never be able to say I am truly unaltered by the perspectives of other people - as, let's face it, that would be unworkable and less than admirable - I believe I am currently far more honest with my character than most.
Last year was a turning point where I met a girl who I thought was individual, unique and interesting. She seemed to have very clear ideas about who she was, what she wanted to look and act like and what she did and did not like. At first this was refreshing and encouraging but it became quite quickly obvious that her own insecurities were shaping how she acted, and that she was a very restricted person. It's obvious with hindsight but in many instances people have a great knack for turning a lack of character into a very convincing façade. Needless to say it doesn't take much time to get beneath the outer layer and see the conflict within. It turns out that I am no longer friends with this girl as I didn't embody an image close enough to her own in order for her to be seen with me. That's a shame.
It's tough being yourself, it's not mean to be, but it is. Recently I've been trying to align my mind and my actions as closely as possible without being hurtful. I think that is a good barometer for sensible day to day life. For example, the other day at work I told everyone that I wasn't a people person, that I don't tend to get along well with others. I told my friend that I think that most people in the world are stupid. I criticised mainstream television programmes I find futile and moronic in front of people who I knew possibly watched them. You might think this pointlessly antagonistic and sometimes I would agree with you. But that in itself is a trend of society brought about directly by the inability of people to act like themselves in public. It is polite to go to your hairdresser and respond to the question, "Do you watch the X Factor" by saying "No, I've never caught it". It is not polite to say "No I find this programmes to be irritating and the content at very best mediocre", but you know what, it is truthful. I suppose the happy medium is to say, "No, I don't like pop music, nor do I like reality/competition television programmes". Either way, you run the risk of being thought either rude or elitist. Why can't you just be thought of as having one of a plurality of views on the subject? Why can't we just accept that not everyone likes the same thing.
It's so tempting to be so brutally and honestly myself that I say everything I think. Being truthful is so enjoyable and refreshing that it is hard not to get carried away. On the whole so far I have found positive results, more people describe me as original, or odd "in a good way". Most people find it endearing, and why not? How often do you really get to see right inside a person, to witness the functioning of their true character on a day-to-day basis. Let me tell you this, normality, fence-sitting and inoffensive middle-of-the-roadness are not appealing qualities in the slightest, they are boring. Hey, if you don't get a positive response at least you will get one.
The point is that this has caused me to constantly be thinking of why people are doing things or why people like things. More and more I see people doing things that everyone else does. Why? Surely with all the different types of people in the world, the multitudes of different traits and talents, then people should like different things? Surely some people are going to stand out and dislike things? Is it just that I am abnormal, or unique? I'd love to flatter myself but I doubt I am all that original. It seems more likely that people do the same things because they are too timid to not follow the trend if they think it pointless. I suppose for many it is easier to not put a skirt over those leggings than to explain why you think seeing the outline of someone else's crotch as specified by everyone else is ridiculous. I've been turning this analysis to myself now considering if I tend to do things in the opposite vein, turning my attentions to things off the beaten path because I detest to be associated with the masses. Honestly, I am sure that I do, and I am sure that I hate that this is the case. I know I find more ease liking things other people don't like than things they do. Despite this though I'll still like all these things that appeal to me, it's just how I feel about liking it in the first place that changes. I'm trying really hard to be myself right now and I'm going to keep doing that. So, in this spirit of honesty I've decided that I am going to start a Truthful Tuesday section of my tumblog where each week I outline one truth I would be less than inclined to reveal normally. To start this off I will go with a simple and honest one which is this: I don't think that Kurt Cobain was the incredible genius people beleive him to be. I think he was good at what he did and certainly relevent, but his work just doesn't strike me as on a par with other music legends which could be be named. This is personal - much like my Mum disliking Bob Dylan - it just doesn't get me in the way other music does.
This evening the skinny moon said hello. I love winter!
